LCD Needed... NO... DEMANDED

I have been complaining for a long time that I have a regular CRT Monitor while all (well.. almost) others have the privilege of using a LCD monitor everyday at office. As expected, my inane demands and complains have proved fruitless.

The best output I have gotten so far from all the lamenting and whining is a screen saver on the CRT I have been using for the last two years. As old as it looks it has managed to survive all this long. If my CRT wasn't this deterministic to face all odds with persistence and keep on living I would have gotten a LCD long ago. As the rule states;

"As long as your CRT monitor is working, you can't get a LCD."

But all of this has resulted in some amusing and interesting suggestions from my team mates:

1. "You should have come to your brother before you went to your boss. Come on, let's steal someone's LCD. Is there someone you don't like in office, let's steal their LCD."

2. "The next time you have a drink of water, don't forget to pour it on your CRT... accidentally of course."

Any other suggestions, people.

The story of Hope and Fate

What we are always told in life, is to hope for the best and expect the worst.. or something to that effect. But we are never warned that, hopes, the unrealistic ones, can be extremely devastating. These hopes have the power to let you sink to the bottom, to eventually leave you hopeless. You start wondering where you are, how did you get there, what went wrong, what did you do wrong, what did you do to deserve this.

We are never told to know when to stop hoping, when to give up entirely. And this is something that can never be told because it is one of those things you learn after bitter experiences. You learn when it is time to stop hoping. This should be the time when you've done all you could to stop something bad from happening, in fact you have done more than you even imagined yourself doing. This is the time when you have given more than you could, more than you were capable of giving. This is the time when you realize that your efforts are going in vain. And if it's not just a personal experience, then your efforts might be given a wrong meaning, a reflection of a thought that never entered your mind. And this is the time when you should stop. All the time you were trying to bring improvement in the state of affairs, you were hoping that things would eventually turn out well, and that you'll forget all of this or at least mark it and put it in the 'Fun and Learning' cabinet of your memories storage. But as it doesn't turn out that way, this is the time when you give up just on the efforts, this is the time when you have to sit back and leave everything on Allah. Allah asks us to make efforts but also to trust Him and to believe that whatever He gives to us is the best for us, no matter if it doesn't seem that way at the time. So this is the time when you keep hoping, but this is also the time when you stop fighting. You leave everything on Allah, and you don't even so much as move a finger to improve the situation. You just let it be. At this point, again, things could go in both ways, they could either be in your favor, or they could either push you to the edge, to the line which separates you from 'living your life' and 'just going through it'.

If all goes well, then you are happy, then all the decision you made seem to be the right ones, all hopes that you had seem to be realistic.

But if this is not the case, then you are quite far away from the happy-folk's land, all the decisions you took seem to be the wrong ones, all hopes seem to be unrealistic. And this is exactly the time, when you should stop hoping that things would ever be the same again. You should always hope that somewhere along the way you'll be able to buy a home in that happy-folk's land, but you should stop hoping that things would go your way at the moment. If they haven't until now, then hoping that they ever would is equivalent to pushing yourself to the edge and then not even wanting to be rescued. If you have left everything on Allah, then accept whatever he sends your way, because whatever he sends would eventually turn out to be the best. The things that you didn't get in spite of working hard, praying hard and hoping hard, are the things which are not good for you, which are not meant for you to have. There are somethings which have to be accepted as fate. But at this point, you should know that at least in the future you'll be saved from the torture of thinking 'I could have done something', because you know that you did all you could have done, and you know that you gave even more of yourself than you should have and than you could have.

I might have not been able to make my point clear through this post. I might not have been able to do justice. But I guess this is something you have to go through to understand, to really understand. And unfortunately, we all go through it at some point in our life. :)

Shadows of the past.....

It amazes me sometimes, how we keep living in the past. How something bad that happened to us a long time ago still has the power to affect us. I am not talking about things that have put a permanent dent on our lives, but things that we have overcome, simple facts that we have learnt to live with, the facts that are no more facts.
A simple example would be not getting something you really worked hard for, and even after you have realized that that something really wasn't for you, and what you've got as a substitute proved to be perfect for you. That not getting that something, not getting your desire, not getting what you wished dearly for, may have been depressing at the moment, but all got better after that. And maybe you got what you wanted to, but a little late. And you know all this, you know that whatever happened, happened for a reason, and a good one. You know that what happened was the best thing that could've happened to you, but whenever you are pushed down the memory lane, and you have to travel through the same depressing time again, why aren't we strong enough to make the journey down that road again with a smile, knowing that it had all passed now, and what you have at the present is good enough for you. Why?

And why, when you keep on telling people, who are going through something like that in the present, that everything will be fine. You keep reminding them that life won't give you anything you can't handle, and you really believe it too.

But even then, why do we still let that past control our today??
Or... is it just me????

Cricket World Cup T20

It's been a long long time, almost two years, since I have watched cricket.
When I did watch, it was more for the love of watching Pakistan win than the love for the game itself. I have always been interested in Pakistan playing and winning (of course) as compared to enjoying the game.
And why it has been so long.... the last year at Bachelors, which we like to call the FYP year was spent doing a lot of things; studying, making your FYP, job surfing, interviews and of course enjoying the last year, celebrating days etc. I was so busy doing all this that I forgot about cricket altogether. Plus, the last World Cup, with the coach's story and Inzi resigning and Pakistan loosing horribly, didn't help at all. And then when that hectic year ended, another began, and the tempo was lost somewhere. :P
Anyways, so these days, I am not actually free, but I have found my long-lost interest in Cricket... that may very well be because of the fact that Pakistan is performing better. Plus, after every match, team mates discuss the highlights. All this was bound to get me back on my track..
So ta-daaaa I am back!!!!!!

Anyways, so I am not actually here to discuss World Cup T-20, if you wanna do that.. go hang out on Cricinfo... Here we'll be discussing something else... :P This is a trip down the memory lane.. only people who were there with me will be able to enjoy this (of that too there is only a thin chance) :P

So all of this cricket-fuss reminded me of the time when I used to be a die-hard fan and still couldn't understand why there was such a thing as LBW.. :P

Only one of the girls in my class shared my never-dying (which eventually did die.. but only for a while) devotion for Pakistan team, and only one was what I needed.
During breaks between classes, we'll rush to the computer labs, trying to find a free computer, hurridely logging in and then checking cricinfo for the latest updates. But more fun was when we didn't find any free computer, but still we couldn't risk not knowing ball-to-ball details, so we would go and nag others;

1. We would either find someone with cricinfo open (and there were many!!), we would make sure they happen to come in our route to the door, and give a furtive, non-interested glance to their computers while we were passing by, and there... we'll have our scores.
   


2. Or we'll sneak up on our unsuspecting friends, snatch away the keyboards from them, and check the score. And hear things like;
   
   "Koi kaam nahi hai tum logon ko kya????"
   
   
   "Don't you people have TRW class?"
   
   
   "Khud ko to kuch karna nahi hai.. humein to project/assignment bananye do...."
   
   

And then there was that day, when one of our teachers, who proved to be an even-bigger fan, started discussing a match, giving her comments (and that too like an expert) on yesterday's game, and suddenly one of the guys stood up, and said, with a very serious expression on his face..

"Ma'am mein abhi ja ke score check kar ke aata hoon"
like that was the most important thing in the world to do at that exact moment.. and seriously it was... :) :P


And then came the World Cup... I wasn't disappointed at Pakistan loosing, more disappointed by the way our people were reacting. No matter how important it is for anyone to watch Pakistan win, it's still just a game, nothing more, nothing less.. These are the people who make heroes and they are the ones who perish them.

And I remember.. well not exactly, as I didn't watch the match... the match between Pakistan and Ireland, which unfortunately Pakistan lost, and which was Inzimam's last match.

Back to the present, as Rambler and I were going up the flight of stairs, making our way towards the lunch room and we had an encounter with two ladies coming back from lunch....

Lubrilu:
"Mubarak ho India haar gaya"

And as the match I mentioned above (the one between Pakistan and India), was all that I had on my mind that day, I found the mention of cricket as a great opportunity to let everyone have an insight on my story... I immediately switched into my story-telling mode, not caring at all whether anyone was interested even a bit or not;

"I remember that Pakistan-Ireland match... and can you imagine? I had a mid-term the next day.. and that too of Software Engineering.. Why would they ever schedule papers during World Cup... "
FarQuest said:
"And I know you still watched the match"
Me:
"NO!!!! I studied.. and I flunked... well what else was I supposed to do... Almost everyone failed that mid-term.."

(And I don't know why I would mention something like me failing a paper on my blog.. but well.. I just did. And I'll get people to comment and vouch for 'everyone failed that midterm..' to prove that I wasn't the only one)

The reason I decided to mention this match was that I still remember the only glimpse I had of that match.. Inzimam-ul-haq going back to the pavilion after playing his last batting inning, with tears in his eyes... You put in so much of your time on a game, even if you are playing for yourself, and not for your country or your team, even then.... you deserve a better farewell than Inzi got.. His team mates might have given him a better one.. and maybe Pakistanis did too, and I just don't know of that, but what I do know is that what was happening in those days, our reaction at that time.. well, they weren't good.. :)

And as that was the last match I watched before I lost my interest in Cricket, it's going through my head these days, this match and all the fun we had in uni, the way we died to hear of the updated score. And I thought I should better write a post on it (for the need of having something better to write)

Anyways.. I am back on track.. I have started watching cricket again.. Pakistan is in Finals (YEHHH!!!)
Yesterday, everyone was hugging each other and saying Congratulations like Pakistan has won the final already.. (when it has won the semi-final only, I hope it does win the finals, and then it will be time for celebration..)
And about two to three times, the semi final was discussed by my team-mates.. Sentences like
"Kya awesoommee match tha yaar.."
kept landing on my ears...

P.S:

1. The first post I wrote on my blog was of Pakistan loosing the match.. :P
   


2. The Writer commented on me a few days ago..
   "You can write an essay on anything"
   Though I did not take very lightly to that comment.. but I think I have just proved him right, haven't I?
   Just wrote a mindless post.. on a mindless topic, which was completely OFF the topic... :P :P
   

Penny for my thoughts......

Prologue
A lot has been happening for the past month or so (why do my posts have to start with this?), and I have had time to think a lot about all that's been happening, this isn't because I have nothing better to do, it's because I can't stop thinking about it all. And my friends have to go through the torture of listening to me and then calming me.. So I decided to save them from the trouble and pour all this on my blog (but I would still make them read it, so there's no salvation for them :P)... so this is sort of a page from my personal diary (which by the way I don't have :P). So here goes....

Penny for my thoughts

...maybe if I could just be able to steal myself away from all this, maybe if I could just learn to forget, maybe then I'll stop feeling like this, maybe then I'll feel a little better... maybe if I could just stop dwelling on the past... maybe...
...maybe if we could just stop the blame game, maybe.... maybe this wouldn't happen.....

The wars inside...

A while ago I received a forwarded sms from a friend and I thought I would write a post on it, but wasn't able to because I didn't get time, and when I did get time, I wasn't in my "writing mood".
I have deleted the sms now, but this is what I can remember:

An old man told his son;

"Every day two wolves fight inside us. One wolf is good, joy, happiness.. the other wolf is evil, anger, ego.."

The son asks;

"Which wolf wins?"

And the old man replies;

"The one we feed..."

And if you think about it, this is very true. At the end of the day, what matters is the decisions we made, in fact, the entire day depends upon the decisions we make. We can decide to get angry and not only ruin our mood but also other's, or we could just let it be.


The human aspect
And I wonder sometimes about us human beings.. how we are made.. sometimes in fact, most of the times, we forget all the good a person has done for us, and remember the one bad thing he does, the one mistake he committed.

And sometimes it's because we have had enough, maybe we were forgiving and forgetting things for so long that we can't continue with it anymore. At that time we think that putting an end to it all is a much better option. And sometimes we are right in thinking that.


Forgiving and Forgetting
I read this (also in an sms), and I am not sure whether it's correct or not...

"Learn to forgive people for their mistakes, like you want Allah to forgive you for yours"


But it's so hard to forgive someone, right???
And why should we be the one forgiving others? Why don't they try? Why be the first one to end a petty fight?
And sometimes we even forget what it was all about, how it began, but we still continue living between walls...
And we are so wrong in doing all this. We expect Allah to forgive us for even bigger crimes, and we expect others to forgive us every time we hurt them, but we are not willing to do the same for other people.


And those we love
And then there are times when we vent out our feelings, more specifically our anger, on the people we love. These are our parents, our siblings, our friends, or maybe just someone who's willing to listen. These are the people who had nothing to do with making us angry or depressed. These are the people who have always been there for us, and this is exactly why we take them for granted...


Everything happens for a reason
Now isn't that true? Everything happens for a reason. Isn't that what everyone says, particularly those who at the moment are enjoying the best of everything, their lives couldn't have been any better, and they are the ones to give you advice. What do they know??
But let me tell you, they are right. 100%. Everything does happen for a reason. It's what you do with it that makes all the difference....


And you get what you deserve
And I have finally realized that this is very very true. A while ago, I found myself in a situation where whatever decision I made would leave one of my friends hurt. And one decision would hurt me more than the other. And guess what I did.. I made the decision that would hurt me less, and guess what.. I was wrong, the decision I made did hurt me as well as the other person.

But the thing is, about an year ago, I put one my very nice friends in such a situation. It was for the same event, and the situation couldn't have been more identical. And she, being an intelligent and mature person that she is, made the right decision. And still I was furious with her, and I didn't talk to her at all for (I don't know) a few days, when somewhere in my heart I did know that it wasn't her fault at all, it wasn't her doing, but someone else's, but I still had to show my anger, and I chose this way (silence) to let the anger out of my system. I ignored her, even when she herself came and talked to me, I just passed by, ignoring her. It must have hurt her a lot, I realize now, but at that time I had my own anger to cater to.

And now I understand how wrong I was, when fate put me in the same situation, and when I made the worst decision that I could. I realize now how wrong I was....
But never the less, I don't want time to go back or something, what's done is done..

but...


...maybe if I could just be able to steal myself away from all this, maybe if I could just learn to forget, maybe then I'll stop feeling like this, maybe then I'll feel a little better... maybe if I could just stop dwelling on the past... maybe...
...maybe if we could just stop the blame game, maybe.... maybe this wouldn't happen.....

I have found a treasure on the internet :D

I am trying to do something about the comments that Blogger failed to import to my new blog.. and I found that I might be missing a post or two as well. I tried to search for this post on this new blog of mine, and I couldn't. Though this post is not a very interesting one, but I still wrote it.. so here I am pasting it here... :) :)

Originally Posted on: 1/25/08

You can find everything on the internet."
"Internet can really help you in a lot of things."

That's all very true.
I knew it to be true for a very long time.
When I learnt a few things by reading the tutorials on the internet.
Like I learnt to work on Macromedia Fireworks by reading tutorials provided by a website called www.entheosweb.com.
When the internet helped me in studying for some of my courses.
When the internet helped me in completing research assignments, presentations and stuff etc.

I knew for a very long time that Internet can help you in a lot of stuff.

But I never loved it like I do now.

For some time now I have gotten this strange urge to collect as many ebooks as I can.
On as many different subjects as I can. (but these different subject must have to do something with the computers).

It wasn't until I found a treasure of ebooks on internet that I fell completely in love with it.
Internet really is a treasure.
And it wasn't when I found the ebooks of infomational material like books on Software Engineering or Data Mining when I started enjoying the internet. It was when I found a reservoir of Stephen King novels that I realized how useful internet can be.
I found books on the net whose titles I have only read on other books but never saw then in any book store or book fairs. Like The Dead Zone.
And if you can get them for free on the internet then why wouldn't you like it haan?

Before I found the ebooks on internet I used to go through the "net storage" of my institute and found books there. But ofcourse they only provided course or reference books. What else would you expect from a university? Novels?


So here are the websites you can find good books on:
www.dbebooks.com
www.esnips.com (this one has novels too).

And.... it's done!!!!

It's done.. I have finally given the presentation I was supposed to give for, I don't know, one month.. I have trying to avoid it, plus there were a lot of more pressing tasks to be completed. The task being the completion of a project and all.

Anyways, I should tell you what the presentation was about. It was about .NET Framework 3.0/3.5.

The story behind why I was given this particular topic to present was that since I joined I had been nagging everyone to migrate to 3.5 or at least make the new applications in 3.5. They finally got me to stay quiet by saying "Why don't you give a presentation on .NET Framework 3.5? Just highlight the new technologies introduced and convince us that we should migrate."
And since then I stopped mentioning 3.5.

Not that I didn't want to go through the hassle of making the presentation slides. It had more to do with gathering up the courage to speak in front of so many people (that means 10 people at the max) who you know have more knowledge than you about the topic you are speaking on.

Anyways, this time they scheduled it for Monday (that is, today 2nd March, 2009). I didn't get time in the office to work on the presentation, and I had a quiz this Saturday (which I am failing by the way) so I spent my entire Sunday on it. Full of tension, true, but learnt a lot things and that was fun.

I liked what WPF made possible, but I never really tried my hands on XAML, and I am glad I did for the presentation. Just a few lines of code were enough to get a button rotate on an angle of 45 and the window to appear in the form of Ellipse rather than the conventional rectangular shape one. :)

I might add a few references or a bit of the stuff I used in my presentation in near future (keep a note of 'might'). But none of the things I used were mine.... of course.. working on .NET 3.5 for a day doesn't make me any expert.

Anyways, almost the entire day, today (Monday) was spent on the presentation. I was supposed to cover all technologies (WPF, WCF, WF, WCS and LINQ) but was only able to touch WPF, WCF and LINQ. So in the morning it was decided that we'll go with this and for the rest of the things we'll schedule another presentation.
Showed the slides to my boss.
Then spent the rest of the time before presentation worrying about what I'll do when they start asking questions. And some of my team members encouraging me and telling me there is nothing to worry about. And also asking people not to ask questions.. the people I could ask to do so.
And installing Visual Studio 2008 on a laptop that will be used for the presentation, and not being able to.
Trying to find out why on earth does the VS 2008 on my Home PC doesn't color code XAML. Still don't have an answer for that though, can anyone answer that??

And finally the time for presentation came. Wasn't even able to connect the laptop with the projector. Two people were involved so that the slides could be projected for everyone to see.
During the presentation it seemed like I was giving it to my top-most boss only, with a few glances to the other people in the room. Couldn't help it. Even back in the days I used to debate, I concentrated mostly on one particular portion of the audience and had to make an effort to look at the others too.
A lot of questions were asked.
None of which I was able to answer :P
People got really excited about WPF though. :) And liked the two code examples I put in. :)

All in all the presentation went okay. With my supervisor supporting me by answering all the questions that were targeted towards me. And the rest of the team chipped in nice comments about the presentation and encouragement after the presentation ended. :D And it really felt good to hear those comments. :)

The remaining day was spent thinking 'shukar hai ho gaye presentation, tension to khatam huai'.

So an entire day was spent on a presentation. :P

Disclaimer: :P

This post is more for memory then for my two or three readers.. :) I should, like everyone else, keep the tag 'Dear Diary' as I have so many posts which fits this category. :)

Bad times...

You learn a lot of things from people around you.... if you just care to notice. Like I learnt from a friend of mine that a person should always keep alive the spirit to enjoy everything no matter what.
This life is too short, the time gone would never come again so why waste it.
Everyone has their own set of moods, you don't have to ruin yours because of others. I am not saying be selfish, no not at all. You have to be there for others too, support them in their troubles, walk them through their worrisome phase and get them walking back on the path of happiness. But not enjoying, not making the most of the time you have, just because others don't feel like it is a little short of stupidness.
Sometimes we get so preoccupied with our lives, our troubles, our worries, our problems that we forget to live. We forget that everyone else goes through the same thing every day, even if they don't show it, they might be going through even worst than we can imagine.
Again, I am not saying that we should forget our problems, don't do anything about them and continue living like nothing has happened. Just saying that a bad day isn't the end of it all. :)

Friend - a relative term

The statement popped into my head while I was pressing my clothes.. Pressing is such a boring job that all kinds of inane stuff moves through my head while I am trying to get done with it..

But come to think of it, in my case, this statement does turn out to be true, very true.
Friend IS a relative term.
I am not trying to be philosophical or something, in fact, I hate philosophy. But this is so true, if you just think about it.

I don't know why I started to write this post, but I thought I have to, I just have to, even if I don't write anything worth reading. :P

So, back to the point.. I say friend is a relative term. You ask why... because I think everyone has their own definition of Friend, of what friends are supposed to be.
Friendship might mean different thing to different people.
Some people may give this relationship more importance than it calls for. And some might not understand why it's worth anything.

The importance may be learnt after a broken friendship, or the importance might be lost after realizing how much friends can hurt. The importance may break on you when you have a blast with your friends, or when you miss them.

But the thing is it might not be what you think it is. And others are sure to have a different opinion then you.

For example, when we were kids we all had a different perspective. A friend was a person who had the most expensive toys, and was also willing to share them with you. At that time friends changed and it wasn't that hurting.

I remember every other person used to be my friend. My favorite dialogue was "Dost nahi ho yaar."
Till college I used to threaten my friends with
"Mein tumhein apnay dost kee post se kharij kar doon geen" :P

And as I grew up the definition changed in a drastic manner. Now I think a million times before giving the title of friend to anyone.

And that works, because eventually, when they do what I expect them to do, it doesn't hurt that much, and it doesn't matter that much, and in the end you think that all that happened was for a good reason.

Another example, for some people breaking up a friendship is not that difficult, because for them friends aren't that important and thus they don't care. For them the definition is quite different.

Hence proved,
'Friend' is a relative term.

Tag: 6 weird things about me

Tag:

6 weird habits/things about yourself

Rules:

The initial player of this “game” starts with the topic “6 weird habits/things about yourself” and people who get tagged need to write a journal about their 6 weird habits/things as well as state this rule clearly. In the end, you need to choose the next 6 people to be tagged and list their names.)


1. Often I sleep too much and still feel sleepy the entire day. At other times I sleep a bit little then usual and still feel wide awake during the day.

2. I like buying books. I simply LOVE collecting books. And if it were up to me any book that enters my house would never leave, even if I don't read the book, even if I hate it, I like to keep it. Even if I have read a book a lot of times, have learnt it by heart (this though has never happened) I would still not want to give it away. Although I am capable of reading ebooks (as long as they are novels, for course books I need to mark every line I read with a pencil, so that when I open the book again I know that I have read it even though I don't remember), I still like buying hard-copies. And even more crazed about buying original versions of books. But I don't buy many books (original or pirated) because of the sky high prices.

3. I get angry toooo easily. And my anger is unpredictable. Sometimes it will be thought that this would really infuriate me and I would stay cool on that. And sometimes I'll be mad like anything on a very very small thing. But I have categories of people to be angry on. And this way, it's my friends who always find themselves the target of my rage, even if they haven't done anything wrong.

4. I talk just tooo much. And anyone can get me started. I can talk for one complete hour without getting much of a response from the other person. One of my friends, who happens to be the first person I made friends with in uni, had this as my first impression "God, she can talk faster than me..." :P :P. She too is very talkative. And it was because of this trait that we became and remained friends after many ups and downs in the relationship.

5. I love being in a crowd. And yet when I have more friends around, I talk less and listen more. Don't know why that happens. I am talkative when I am with just one person, but if you want me to stay quiet make me sit amongst 10 people.

6. I like being different. There are only a few people whose choices are same as mine. Every girl I know loves black, every guy I know has nothing against black either. And I, I don't even consider it a color. I have never worn black except for one time and that was because we were celebrating "Black Day" at Uni.. Yes university, not montessori :P. And there are a lot of such examples through which it can be proved that I indeed am a bit different than others (but then everyone is in some way). The thing is I like being different, don't know why.

Plus, I am supposed to write 6 weird things about me, and there are two people in this world who call me WEIRD. But I still don't know what exactly they found weird about me. So I just jotted down things that I think are weird about me.


I Tagged: I don't think I know six bloggers to be tagged.. But let's go ahead with the ones I know...

Rabbzz, Azeem, Madoo, What happens in London, Hinstance, Ammad

Donut without the hole :P

So am in mood of writing today...
Maybe that's because I somehow got to talk a lot at office today. :) :)

Anyways, so a few days back we had our famous "Donut Party" at office, which happens to be my first donut party... or I thought it was a "Donut" party... until I discussed it with a friend.

The party turned out to be educating for me.. While eating the "Donut" I wondered why there wasn't any hole in it and when I reached the middle why did I find butter??

I confronted one of my colleagues with this query
"Is mein hole kyun nahi hai?"
It sounded more like "Polo mein hole kyun hota hai?" (or something like that)
and he said "Pata nahi, hota to hai"

And then just for the sake of discussing all foolish stuff with friends, I told one of them in an email that I got to eat a Donut which amazingly enough didn't have a hole, instead it had butter in between. And she replied:

"Agar us mein hole nahi tha aur beech mein butter bhi tha to beta woh Donut hee nahi tha, usay Eclairs kehtay hain." :P :P

And hence my stupidity is proved yet again. :) :P

Those moments...

Ever had that moment in life when disappointment reaches the peak point.. or shall I say reaches the pit.. when you think you can't be more disappointed with yourself.
Ever had that moment in life when you are depressed...
Ever had that moment in life when you don't understand how you ended up being like this, how you ended up where you ended up, when you stop for a moment and consider whether what you've got is what you wanted from your life.
The moment when relationships betray.
The moment when you think no one would understand you.
The moment when you realize that the way you've been your entire life isn't the way to live life. When you realize that it's high time you change yourself. When you decide everyday that this would be the day when you'll change yourself, and be like what you want to be and not like what you are by nature and then by the end of every day you realize that you can't change yourself.
The phase when you are exhausted, thoroughly exhausted and you don't understand why you are tired.
The time when you are not tired because you got no rest all day long, but when you are tired of yourself.
The moment when you think about where you'll be one year from now, and you don't know..
The moment when someone asks you what are your plans.. and you don't have any answer for that. This is the moment when you start dreading such questions.

And the moment when you start wondering 'at what point did all the things start going wrong....'

New job... New life..... :)

It has been 2 months since I started my new job, that is to say, my very first job.

(I joined on 1st July, and people told me that I should have taken a break, and now I agree with them.)

I have been meaning to write about my job since the day I started, but never actually got around to it. This is because I didn't know exactly what to write. I don't know now either but have decided to go ahead with it anyways.

So... new job.. a new phase of life. Completely new and definitely different. Utterly new for me because I didn't have any experience of free lancing or internships. Different for the same reason.

We have been doing projects throughout the four years of our bachelors. These projects included not only the programming projects, the softwares we created, but also the presentations we gave, or the researches we did and produced a report as a result. We did a Final Year Project to give us an essence of what professional projects are supposed to be like. But being in professional life in reality is different then any simulation you go through during bachelors.

And it's not only the work thing. It is basically about settling at a new place. With new people, who will play different roles in your career, they can be your supervisors, the people who'll work with you side-by-side on a project, the people who are hired with you and the people who are your seniors. It's about settling with an AC on top of your head, and you are feeling like you are sitting in an igloo. It's about getting acquainted with your workplace computer. :P (People who work with me would know what I am talking about.) It's about getting used to the working hours, though they are less then the time we spent at uni, but definitely more tiring.

It's about calling your office, your place.
In an orientation session at office, the presentor broached a question

"Can a person work at a place about which he doesn't feel like he owns it. Can he work at an office which he doesn't own?"

I sat quietly while the others nodded. My expressions must have betrayed me because the presentor pointed me out and said "Yes you tell me, is that possible." And although I wanted to say yes, he can, I instead said no. And then he explained, again because my face expressions must have betrayed me, that

"yes it is possible if the person doesn't like working at that place."

For me the answer 'yes it is possible' holds true for completely different reasons. My reason being that if I think I own the place, I'll stop working. :D :P
I'll work when I understand that I am doing a job there and I am supposed to work. If I feel like this company's owned by me then I would surely not press even a single key, would not even bother to place a ';' at the end of a statement.
But what he meant by owning a place is not literally owning the company, but he meant owning in a completely different sense. And I won't go ahead and explain what he meant, because I don't know how to explain this phenomena.


And in the end it's about enjoying... making new friends, experiencing a new side of people. And again, enjoying...
Coz it's not worth if you are unable to find an element of enjoyment. Enjoyment encompases enjoying your work, loving what you do, realizing that you chose the right field, the right profession for yourself. And you realize that only when you like doing what you do. No, not like, love it. Enjoying is when you don't really want to get up in the morning, and you drag yourself to your office, but when you start working, you get so indulged in it that you don't realize the time flying by. Enjoying is when you are finally done with a project and you get that feeling of happiness, yes the feeling you get when you have finally accomplished something no matter how small. Enjoying also includes the feeling of nervousness you experience when you are assigned your first project, when you are asked to give a time line and schedule of that project, when you are expected to solve a problem, when you are expected to come up with new ideas and what not.
Enjoying is.. being there, doing it. :)

Memories I'll cherish

14 of June 2008, my last day of bachelors..... finally, done with the Open House, finally done with Blog Digger..... Four years of bachelors done, 16 years of education completed. 16 years seems a very very long time.
All these four years of bachelors, it was like "kab khatam hoon gein yeh 4 saal" In the fourth year the thoughts were "yaar buhat parh liya... 4 saal buhat hotay hain 3 saal ka bachelors hee theek tha".
And now when it has finally ended, I know there are a lot of memories I have made, a lot of things I'll miss, a lot of things I'll think about whenever I think about my university. A lot of things I'll remember... no, a lot of memories I'll cherish.

• The time when we used to bargain with the teachers while setting marks distribution. Talking like it was something we are buying rather than discussing the distribution. Saying things like "Munasib kar dein, Sir".
• Celebrating Color days in our last year. We celebrated Red day, Black day, White day... ahhh just a few days yaar we missed so many colors. Any ways, it was great, I participated in Black day, even though I HATE Black.
• The day we celebrated cheap day.... and even I got in the mood, and became cheap.. which was pretty unexpected, one of my friends Nazia stood there looking at me with her mouth agape, wondering what had gotten into me. Ahhh, celebrating cheap day, that was something :)
• When Ambreen and I used to chat just to decide what should be our next nick. Both of us would listen to English songs, choose lines from the songs and ask each other "would this be fine?" :P
• The get together at Midhat's place. We had loads and loads of fun, taking photos with funny poses :D
• The picture day. When all of us gathered at schon and took pictures, when we had our individuals pictures taken, when the entire batch gathered for the batch pic and started singing songs. Go to my previous post on picture day. :)
• When we used to sit in E1 in the seventh semester and talked as we always had the first slots free, discussing FYP, at first it was "yaar banayein to banayein kya sab kuch to phele se hee bana hua hai?" and then, when we finally got what to make it was "kaisay banaye ga itna sab kuch?" and of course there were the PMs to discuss about, and we had many other things to discuss completely irrelevant to studies. Planning the next day to celebrate, the next place to gather at, the next restaurant to hit (though we only got to hit Pizza Next and Karachi Food Centre) and many many things. The room changed to E4 in the 8th semester but the stuff was the same.
• The time we all played 'Bingo'. I didn't even know how to play Bingo, Ashba taught, it was like a class coz she used the white board to explain and believe me when I say it was the most interesting class :) And then we all played bingo. Bari mushkilon se mein aik hee game jeeti thi :P But it was a lot of fun. I also came to know that day that a couple of my friends used to play "Name Place Animal Thing" back in the initial semesters before papers as in, they had a paper in the evening and they would play Name Place in the morning instead of studying. I wanted to do the same thing, and so we decided that we too would play the game in one of the papers. In the last semester whenever one of us remembered this plan and voiced it, others would say, "nahi yaar aaj to nahi, Media mein khilein gain". But we didn't even play it in Media. But the Bingo day was fabulous. That day too has a post dedicated to it. :)
• The one hour long ride in Point. Some days were spent sleeping, some times we used the time reading books (most of the times novels rather than course books), some times the solace was used in thinking... and most of the times it was spend talking, talking continuously for one complete hour. I would remember the time when we talked only about food.
• The time when we finally got the opportunity to cross the "Quaidabad Bridge". The took a long time completing it and when it was finally done and our point crossed it all the students hooted. :D
• The time when I listened to my MP3 player in IPT lab and the next day the teacher said, looking specifically at me, "I know what was going on in the lab". I still don't know how she got to know I was listening to MP3 player, or maybe she just looked at me and as I was guilty I assumed that she was talking about me.
  
• My first and last Picnic. Definitely memorable.
• My first and last Annual Dinner, and that play.....
  

It's a long long list and I know I'll be coming back to it adding more bullets. For most of you, all these things won't sound as fun, but it was, all those days were fun. For me at least, I know my friends would relate to it. :)

The Credit one deserves

Just a few days back when my friend and I were pouring over the Compiler book trying to make some sense out of it, one other friend of ours stormed into the room, his face betrayed his anger. He just sat down, and it was the first time he told us "what happened" when it was just the second time we asked. Normally he doesn't spill out that easily.
Khair, the actual story is quite long and I don't think I should be sharing it here, but the main thing is that he was angry because he was not being given the credit he deserved. He and this other friend of mine started talking about things that have happened to them, when they haven't been given the proper credit. They complained about the times they have worked hard, very hard on something and still no one recognized it, and I, at the meantime, was plunged back into the time when I was made to go through the same ordeal, my friend was experiencing now, when I too heard the same things being spoken about me..... and let me tell you, it hurts, it hurts like anything. And as a result you loose your interest in not only that thing for which you are not being given credit for and everything else.
At that moment when my friend were trying to prove to each other that they've suffered the most because of this, I was thinking my suffering is more than both of them.
But that's what we always think, don't we?
We think that the worst thing only happens to us, everyone else is happy, but we are the only one with tensions and in a gloomy mood. But let's keep that discussion for another time.
The problem now is why sometimes we are not given the credit we deserve. Why does this happen???
I don't know the answer, unfortunately.
I've been so depressed because of this for I guess the past month, I feel like an invisible person, no matter what I do, I would never be given the credit, I would never be recognized for my efforts and someone else would steal the fame.....
And for the thing that happened to me, because of which I've been depressed, for that thing, there is no one to blame. I've been close to tears all this time, even a small thing, completely irrelevant to the credit-wala-scene would make me cry, and one such small thing, did make me cry, I've been throwing things to let go off my anger, but I am still hiding this from everyone else, I can't tell anyone the reason of my bad mood and low spirits, I can't tell anyone about my be-izzati and I can't blame anyone for what happened, because there is simply no one to blame.
The girl who has been given my share of credit, completely refuses to take it, she has been trying to prove that I too have been putting in as much effort as I have, she even apologized when I was crying my heart out, she said "Bina, if this all is because of me, I am very sorry" and I wanted to say that "No, it's not your fault, not at all" and I even blurted out some of the sentence but the rest of it was clouded with my tears, I hope she got what I meant, I hope she understands that I don't blame her, but I am furious, and I don't know who to be furious with, it's not my fault, it's not her fault, then why did it happen? why did it have to happen?
According to my mom "life mein aisa hota hai"
and maybe life really is all about things like this.
But you learn to live with all of it....

The movie making business (Part I)

We have this assignment for our Media and Advertising course. We are supposed to make a movie on any topic we choose, but the topic has to be related to university. Our defined space is our university.
It's a completely new thing that we are doing. I have never used a handi cam, as far as I remember, and even if I had I have never used to make a professional movie. And that's what we are supposed to do now..... make a professional movie.
We took up this opportunity to let everyone know how many issues we face in university. After all we have been forced to make a movie on university then why not use it to make ourselves feel better by finally letting out all the agony we have to go through each day. Almost everyone has chosen a topic that would delineate the many problems we face every day with just a tinge of positive aspects of the university.
We shooted for the movie this week and the week before. Our topic is "Final Year Project". The first thing was to write a script for the movie, things we'll be including, things we won't be including, for the things which will be included how would they be shown, this and that. We decided to act out the whole thing.
Hey wait, the first thing was to get our topic approved by the teacher, and his reply was "Okay, you can do it if you want to but is it just your groups' problem or is it general."
Our answer was "General"
Then he scared us by saying that "Okay, but it would be difficult. Would you be able to convince the teachers to act"
It was at that point that it occurred to us that we might need to do that. The problem with us is we don't normally think, we just act. For the question we replied "Well, we can try, but can we switch to a different topic if we fail"
And he said "Of course"

So then, came the thing of deciding what to do and what not to do.
I was convinced that everyone I asked would agree to act.
Well, I didn't know how wrong I was.

I'll continue with the story later on.

The time called exams.

Every time I have my papers starting in a few days, I start making plans of how I'll study, what I'll do, what I won't do. I do this just to make myself feel better by planning for the very near future, but not actually doing anything in the present.
I would go to sleep early every night saying that I would not sleep much during the papers and so I must get my sleep now. Like sleeping is a storable phenomenon. You can sleep for two days straight and you won't need to sleep for the next week. Ahh, wish that was possible.
But even if it was, it won't make much difference in my life, as it's not about the need to sleep but the urge to sleep that governs my daily routine. It's just that I want to sleep so that I won't have to do anything else. It's just this little teeny weeny want that I am not able to control. :P

And then the exams start without affecting much of my sleeping schedule. And during papers instead of thinking about how to study, making a timetable, trying to cover everything that needs to be studies, I think about what I'll do after the papers finish.
Like the movies I'll watch, the books I'll read, or sometimes even how I'll study in the future. Absurd na. Inane and stupid, right? Yes it is. You are absolutely right. I totally agree with you.
But agreeing doesn't mean that I'll be able to change my life long habits....

Dhund - The Fog

Today there was so much fog in the morning, it was amazing.
The thing that made me most happy was... we couldn't see our university through this much fog, and I don't know why but it made me feel good..... :) :D

Our Last, First Mid Term Exams

It seems like ever since we have started our bachelors we have been waiting for it to end. Okay not from the very start but let's say soon after that.
We have been waiting for these four years to end, always wishing for that time to come soon.
And now it has.
It really really has.
Our juniors now ask us the question: "How does it feel? You are in your last semester, how does it feel?"
For they, like us, are waiting for it to end.

And last saturday, while I was lying on my bed in the morning, thinking or urging myself to get up, and leave the bed.... I was hit with this sudden realization: "This would be my last, first mid term in this uni".
And no it wasn't that good a feeling. (Please, don't kill me for that)
It's not that I want to spend another 4 years here, no way, no way at all.
But still, leaving all of this gets you to feel something you don't really understand.
Who misses giving exams anyways?
But it's the things that you do before and after the paper and sometimes during the paper that you miss.
With the books open in front of us, and all of us sitting together, be sure that it's not studying that we are doing. :P
This is the time, when the most un-funniest joke of the universe would make us laugh hysterically, like this is the most funniest thing we have ever heard.
People sitting near us would leave the room fearing that our Laughing Virus would hit them too.

So this was my Last First Mid-term.
And it wasn't a good feeling.
Because it makes me feel that it will all end soon. Again, not that I want to prolong it either.
See I told you this is a complex feeling.
I myself don't understand it.
But I still thought that it was worth writing a post on.


And before the first paper of my Last First mid-term, my friend and I were discussing how it was our last first mid term (instead of studying for a paper that was about to start in 15 or so minutes).
And we were sitting at a little distance from each other, and naturally our innate discussion was disturbing others.
We started with

"Yaar this is our Last First mid term. And this is the first paper of our last first mid term"

and then my friend said

"Unless we go ahead and do masters too, then to correct it this is our first paper of our last first mid term of Bachelors"

and then this other friend of mine said:

"Yaar, I have already given my first paper..."

And then we started off with: "So, this is your second paper of your last first mid term of Bachelors"
And we got confused ourselves with what we are saying and then tried to restate again and again correcting ourselves.
We were put to a stop by a comment from behind:

"Last ho ke first ho, parh to lo yaar.
Kya tum loog zada parh ke aa gaye ho?"

So this was the story my Last First Mid term of Bachelors.
:)

Still thinking of a title for this one... :)

I have always been impressed by brilliant people...... but it's just till I start knowing them..... and then I think they are no more different than me.

There was this girl in my school, my class mate, and she was good at practically everything. Name any thing and she'll excel at it. From studies to extra curricular activities, from singing to acting, from sports to comparing. From this to that.... in short everything. And I was utterly impressed by her. I wanted to become friends with her (embarrased by this confession, but let me tell you I have never really been friends with any intelligent people, cheetahs as I like to call them, or maybe I don't put my friends under the Einstein List, even if they are really genius. So intelligence is not what I look for in people, coz for me every person is talented). But when I did get to know her I came to know that she was just like other people. No; no two people in the world are similar, everyone is different in their own perfect way. But it's just that intelligent people don't live in a different part of the world either. Don't really know how to explain this.

Sometimes I am content with my life (and that is just sometimes), I thank Allah for blessing me with everything. So what if I don't belong to the elite cohort. I still have a great life mashaAllah. Allah has blessed me with everything before I even thought I needed it. I feel happy with myself, I feel happy with my life.
This is the time, when I hate people who are complaining about their lives. I sit with them and try to explain to them that their lives are better than others.
I have this friend who sometimes start wishing that she was dead. And all I want at that moment is really kill her so that she would learn her lesson. But isn't this something we all sometimes wish for without even realizing the stark reality of what we are asking for.
Listening to this my mother would try to tell me that I haven't done much good in my life to make my after life any good. And I would become more depressed at the prospect.

(I started on a different note and think I have gone somewhere else)

So at other times when I am not so happy with what I have got. Sometimes when I wanted something else and got something completely different, I complain, forgetting that just the other day I was scolding someone for being so 'nashukray' (ungrateful).

It may seem very childish to you, but sometimes when I am not getting the results I expected, I become depressed like something really wrong has happened with me. I start complaining, I become irritating and everything bad. And this is the time I wish I was as smart as other people, more particularly the people who managed to get good results.
And then when I survive this so-called crisis of my life, I start feeling good again.
And then when I see some one behaving in an improper fashion (won't shed any light upon this), I thank God that I am not like them, forgetting completely that I do the same, I too hurt others, and never realize it.

So in the end..... we all are the same yet very different from each other.
Some of us realize that whatever they've got is good enough for them, they have been blessed with something and they should go on and help others, these are the people who have learnt the golden rule of happiness "live with what you have, be satisfied with whatever you have got". These are the people who make the most of what they have.

I would like to mention here about one my friends.
This girl joined our campus after I think the 5th semester.
I didn't know her very well then, I still don't I guess.
One day, I just asked for the sake of making a very short conversation, instead of just the usual 'salam dua' thing. I asked: "How's life"
And she replied with a sweet smile on her face, the smile she almost always has on: "Pathetic, pathetic, pathetic".
And then again, without thinking, and just for making the conversation a little longer instead of abruptly ending it, and because I just love talking with anyone who would listen and care to reply, I stated:
"You have to smile na? no matter how much wrong things go".
I didn't really expect her to agree, even reply to this. But she did:
"Yup, coz if I make a sad face, everyone would get worried about me, especially my parents."
And this is what finally stopped me talking. To this I had no reply.
But it got me thinking of how I never think in this way. If I am feeling low, I make sure everyone around me knows that, although this is all unintentional. I just can't get myself to smile, when I don't feel like it. And this friend of mine, who happens to be of almost my age, just about more than one month younger, and she has learnt to smile in any circumstance. She does complain about her life sometimes, but not as much as I do. She always amazes me with her little stories of problems of her life. These problems are the ones, all of us face, these are the problems I face too, but I never do that with as much courage as she does and again with a smile on her face.
This little dialogue of ours, really got me to like her......

And then there are others like me, who have nothing better than to complain about their lives and about others. Unfortunate people who continue doing this even when they know it's a great big sin.
But in spite of these differences I still sometimes think that everyone is the same at least to some 0.000001 extent. We have all been blessed with some things, some amazing talents, and we all think that we have been deprived of a lot. And some of us only want to get to that deprived part, we try to just get hold of the things we don't have as soon as possible. I am not saying this is a bad thing, it's just that in this race we ignore the things we already have, evading the chances of a much better life, I guess.
But who am I to talk about such things?????
I am just a talker. :)