Memories......

Tomorrow is my last day at uni, last day of classes. Last day at a place where I spent the last four years of my life, always blaming the place for all the tensions it has brought in my life.
At the start of this last year, I thought I'll miss this place terribly when my bachelors gets completed. But the things that happened in the last two weeks, I became so fed up with everything and everyone that I was just waiting for all of this to end. And my friends kept on saying that they are feeling very sad, they'll miss this place a lot, etc. etc.
Until this morning I felt, and I didn't hesitate to say this out aloud that
"NO I won't miss this place."

But today, I don't know what happened, I was sitting in my last class of the course "Media and Advertising" and I started feeling a bit sad, somewhere deep down in my heart I was sad that this was all going to end soon. I kept turning back to my friend and kept saying
"socho yeh hamari akhri class hai"
And I was thinking, no matter if I study further, but it would not be the same, they way we take classes now, the way we talk to our friends, the way we long to spend our leisure time with each other, this all, it won't be there. This would not come back. And no matter how many fights we had with each other, we'll still miss the good days, the good times that we spend together, I might miss it terribly.
I don't know how to put my feelings in words.
Just this morning I was happy that this all was going to end soon, and when I heard people saying that the are sad about leaving, I thought "comeon yaar, acha hai ja rahay hain finally".
But now I don't feel the same.
The feeling I had in the morning has changed.
And I don't know what to do or what to say.
I wish we had this last year, just to enjoy, not to think about FYP, not to worry about the exams and assignments, not to worry about the job scene. Ahhh, it would have been so much better, but this is what life is all about na. You have to go on with what you have.

Just yesterday, our Media teacher, Sir Pervez Mohsin, was saying that after two to three years you'll miss this place.

I know that no matter how much stressed we feel these days, it won't be anything with the stress we might have to bear in the future.

God... I don't know what to write and yet I can't stop writing this post.
I don't know what to write, I don't know how to end.....

It was also our last Human Resource Management class. And I enjoyed it thoroughly.
Ofcourse, we discussed the final paper pattern, and everything we hate. But then Sir Ally Raza, started saying what my friend calls "Alwidai Kalmat".
And I would like to remember his words.
He shared a story with us. This is from some famous personality, whose name I haven't even heard before. The story goes on like.... there were two kid brothers twins. One of them was very optimistic, he would always smile, even if you took his toys from him, he would still smile. And his brother was a complete pessimistic, he would always have a negative view point, and he was always sad. So the parents got worried about him and they went to a psychologist and explained the situation to him, they told him about both of their children and told him that they were concerned. So the psychologist asked them to bring the two boys to him. Now what the psychologist did was this he took the pessimist kid and locked him in a room filled with anything that a child would want; from toys to video games, sweets everything. And he took the optimistic kid and locked him in a room filled with horseshit. After 3 hours, when he went to the pessimistic kid, he saw that he was doing nothing, just sitting in the middle of the room, when the psychologist, who was with the parents, asked the kid what was wrong why wasn't he playing with the toys, he said oh I don't like playing with these toys, then he asked then why don't you eat some sweets and the kid replied, 'Strawberry isn't my favorite flavor either'. Then he went to the optimistic kid and he saw that he was playing with the horseshit, tossing it around, when he was asked what was he doing, he said "if there is so much horseshit, there is bound to be a pony here too.
Moral of the story: Always look for the positive aspect."

No doubt, it's easier said then done.


Again I'll go back to the last class thing. All through out our 7 semesters we have never every felt anything in any course's last class, it never meant anything, we never even considered whether it was the last class of the course or the semester. We just went about as usual. But of course, this time it's different. It's so different.

I think I'll miss this place, even a little bit, but I'll miss it.

When I left school I missed it badly, but then college started and even though I missed my school and my friends, but I had a great time at my college too, and I got so busy with it, that I would say that I think I didn't have time to miss my school.
Then when I went to university, initially I had such a horrible time that I missed my school and college and my friends there terribly. But again I got so busy that I just went on with my life.

This time I'll inshaAllah get busy too, I hope with a good job. But this time I'll be busy doing something I haven't done before. Before, it was from one educational institute to another kind of educational institution. But this time, it'll be from an institution to a completely different place.
From student life to practical life.
From one phase to another phase of life.

And I guess we'll miss this part the most, being a student. :)

P.S:
I still don't know how to end this post. But I'll stop here.
I know this post has no flow at all. I start talking about one thing and then I start talking about the other thing with no connection between the two. But I guess that's how I feel right now.
And aren't my posts always in this haphazard, confused kind of way.

Your Best friend?????

Normally, I had this one name prepared for the answer to this question. One name. Which has always been the answer. Well, for a long time, at least.
But you can't always remain under a misconception. Its bound to clear up some day.
And now if someone would ask me the question "Your Best friend???"
I still have an answer prepared. But instead of a name, I have this entire theory or you can call it philosophy to answer the question. And it would go something like...
"No one is really your best friend.. except yourself maybe, but no one else. Coz everyone will naturally keep themselves first, and would not care about you if some of their decisions might hurt yours or might hurt YOU. coz in the end what matters is how happy they themselves are and not how happy someone else is. So, the conclusion is, no one is really your best friend."

A very harsh truth, yes. but it's true for me, might not be in your case.
But I too thought that I was lucky enough to have a friend. But it took only one weekend to change my thoughts, just one weekend. It was the 18th of April 2008, Friday.. and everything changed in my assumed world of friendships....

When the time comes...

When the time comes, people would only think about themselves... no matter if that person is supposed to be your best friend, someone you are very close to, all of this doesn't matter... because when the time comes, people would only think about themselves..

The Credit one deserves

Just a few days back when my friend and I were pouring over the Compiler book trying to make some sense out of it, one other friend of ours stormed into the room, his face betrayed his anger. He just sat down, and it was the first time he told us "what happened" when it was just the second time we asked. Normally he doesn't spill out that easily.
Khair, the actual story is quite long and I don't think I should be sharing it here, but the main thing is that he was angry because he was not being given the credit he deserved. He and this other friend of mine started talking about things that have happened to them, when they haven't been given the proper credit. They complained about the times they have worked hard, very hard on something and still no one recognized it, and I, at the meantime, was plunged back into the time when I was made to go through the same ordeal, my friend was experiencing now, when I too heard the same things being spoken about me..... and let me tell you, it hurts, it hurts like anything. And as a result you loose your interest in not only that thing for which you are not being given credit for and everything else.
At that moment when my friend were trying to prove to each other that they've suffered the most because of this, I was thinking my suffering is more than both of them.
But that's what we always think, don't we?
We think that the worst thing only happens to us, everyone else is happy, but we are the only one with tensions and in a gloomy mood. But let's keep that discussion for another time.
The problem now is why sometimes we are not given the credit we deserve. Why does this happen???
I don't know the answer, unfortunately.
I've been so depressed because of this for I guess the past month, I feel like an invisible person, no matter what I do, I would never be given the credit, I would never be recognized for my efforts and someone else would steal the fame.....
And for the thing that happened to me, because of which I've been depressed, for that thing, there is no one to blame. I've been close to tears all this time, even a small thing, completely irrelevant to the credit-wala-scene would make me cry, and one such small thing, did make me cry, I've been throwing things to let go off my anger, but I am still hiding this from everyone else, I can't tell anyone the reason of my bad mood and low spirits, I can't tell anyone about my be-izzati and I can't blame anyone for what happened, because there is simply no one to blame.
The girl who has been given my share of credit, completely refuses to take it, she has been trying to prove that I too have been putting in as much effort as I have, she even apologized when I was crying my heart out, she said "Bina, if this all is because of me, I am very sorry" and I wanted to say that "No, it's not your fault, not at all" and I even blurted out some of the sentence but the rest of it was clouded with my tears, I hope she got what I meant, I hope she understands that I don't blame her, but I am furious, and I don't know who to be furious with, it's not my fault, it's not her fault, then why did it happen? why did it have to happen?
According to my mom "life mein aisa hota hai"
and maybe life really is all about things like this.
But you learn to live with all of it....